The Inner Peace Process - Give Yourself A Session | VIDEO

The Inner Peace Process - Give Yourself A Session Video

A Project I'm Working On | NLP4PTSD

NLP4PTSD - OR - NLP4CPTSD

Videos: A Project I'm Working On.

Background: how I got to be here, what I studied and what's in NLP4PTSD. Here it is a year later and I've been busy at work learning and practicing more NLP methods while still collecting information about it.

Here in my home office are the books I've read, the binders I've put together and my 2 piles of notes that I want to put into a book or a presentation called NLP4CPTSD.

Since then I made a blog "NLP4PTSD.blogspot.com" where I put video training on my IPP (Inner Peace Process) and more info on complex trauma. The more I research and study, the more I find so that I was finding and trying out tons of new techniques, still trying to figure out how to help others with all of this. So I make free Google blogspots. =)

I use my IPP regularly and have been wanting to teach it to others. But NLP for C-PTSD is so much more than just knowing the IPP method.

Plus I just needed someone to talk to about what I've been doing, maybe it will help me figure out where I am suppose to go next with this passion project of mine.

I have to do a presentation in my clinical supervision so of course I thought of doing it on NLP for CPTSD.  These videos are me explaining the background and how I'm trying to put it together for my presentation. And maybe my next book.

JP Bailey
Author of "E.F.T. for Codependency Recovery"

Video 1

Video 2

Video 3

Video 4

Thank you for watching.

End for now..

==============================================
nlp for complex trauma, best notes, best notes from recent research,
nlp art

20 things you only know if you have PTSD

I found this article recently that really spelled out a good solid list of 20 things and rather than try to re-write it, or combine it with other articles I'm collecting, I decided to print it in it's entirely on my blog so I can share it when this topic comes up and also give full credit to the author and the website source.  I'll put a live link at the end to the original article.  

My purpose is simple; get the conversation going and educate people so they can feel normal and not alone for having these strange set of seemingly unrelated symptoms that plague the PTSD/CPTD sufferer. 

20 Things You Only Know If You Have PTSD

Author Imogen Groome for Metro.co.uk
Thursday 22 Jun 2017 3:04 pm

Those who are presented with the term post-traumatic stress disorder – or PTSD – will often think of shell-shocked soldiers, traumatized by events they went through on the battlefield.

This is certainly a common cause of the condition and one that’s currently being acted out in Australian soap Home And Away.

However, it’s not just people who have been at war who suffer the condition.

Those who have been sexually abused, gone through domestic violence, experienced neglect as a child, had a near-death situation or just seen something they found terrifying can begin experiencing elements of PTSD.

Common symptoms include:

• Involuntary and vivid recurring memories of the event which result in fresh distress
• Flashbacks, where a person will be sent back to the scene of trauma and forced to relive the event
• Persistent fear, horror, anger, guilt or shame
• Reckless or self-destructive behavior to block out the pain
• Emotional numbing – shutting off the ability to feel

Here are 20 things you only know if you have PTSD…

1. Sometimes you behave in ways you don’t understand

You could laugh at inappropriate moments, feel incredibly angry all of a sudden, or stressed with no tangible cause – all in the space of a few hours.

It’s emotionally draining.


2. Anything can be a trigger

A melody, a voice, a sentence, a landmark, a pattern of colors – it doesn’t take much to pull you back to that painful place.

When you’re with other people, your emotional response can be confusing.

‘Why is she walking away?’

‘Why is she so angry? I didn’t do anything wrong.’

You know – but you can’t control it.


3. It can be terrifying to let yourself feel

If you spent years refusing to get upset, angry, or simply sad, the concept of accessing those feelings can be scary.

Airing them for the first time – and continuing to let them out, by reacting to situations with the correct emotional response – is a difficult concept.


4. You may engage in destructive behavior to block out the pain

If you hurt yourself first, you can’t get hurt by others – or you just don’t care what you do to yourself.

Binge eating, alcohol, drugs – it doesn’t matter. If it temporarily makes you feel good, who cares what it does to your body?

So the destructive thought pattern goes.


5. Staying focused is tough

Concentrating on what’s in front of you can feel impossible sometimes.

Whether you just zone out, because there’s too much going on in your head, or have a flashback and need to take time out to regroup, staying in the moment is easier said than done.


6. Regulating your emotions can be tougher

Sometimes those pent-up feelings burst out in a tidal wave and get vented in random circumstances.

Then you have to deal with the consequences of your outburst and wish more than anything that you could have stopped it before it began.


7. Life can suddenly become terrifying

When you’re feeling jumpy, everything is a threat, and life is terrifying.

The world can be so overwhelming you go into attack mode and get angry with everyone around you for no reason.

You’re convinced that everyone’s got an ulterior motive, you’re not safe, and you’re just waiting until you get hurt again.


8. Your mind works in ways you don’t understand

There can be days you just sit in your room sobbing for hours and you don’t know why.

Or depression could hit you like a tidal wave when you’re having a completely average day.

It doesn’t make sense, but you have to ride with the feelings until they pass.


9. Sleep can be easy – or non-existent

Sometimes you can sleep, other times you’re just staring into nothing until 6am – then you keep going without sleep because, for some reason, tiredness isn’t something you feel that day.


10. You cling onto things that help to keep you grounded

It could be one person who you trust, playing the same song over and over, or curling up in a ball with your favorite cushion.

No matter what it is, you cling onto it strongly, because it keeps you grounded, it keeps you feeling vaguely sane, and it helps you get through your worst moments.


11. Your mood swings can be unpredictable

Whether it’s a trigger, a flashback, or just a day where things aren’t going the way you want, you can swing between feeling utterly calm and wanting to flip the table over in a Hulk-like rage, because you don’t know how to process all the feelings swirling around inside your head.


12. You get physical pain

When the pain from your past hits you, it causes physical symptoms – like a blistering headache or a stomachache deep in your gut.

And when the emotional pain fades, so does the discomfort.


13. Every relationship is an emotional roller coaster

The concept of having people in your life on a regular basis can feel intimidating and overwhelming.

Often, you push people away, then try to pull them back in – but sometimes it’s too late, and they walk away.

You can’t blame them – you’re a lot to deal with when you’re at your worst, even though you so badly want to be at your best.


14. Emotional numbing is second nature

Shutting yourself away from people, places, memories – and sometimes emotions – is sometimes the only way you can cope.

There could be certain areas you never go to or people you’ll never speak to again because going back means returning to a place of pain that’s so incapacitating it’s beyond comprehension.


15. Some days you feel like you can cope.

You can get through the whole day feeling happy, with no unwanted thoughts intruding.

But the next day, you can’t even leave the house without hyperventilating, wanting to hide under your duvet and never come out.


16. Trusting people feels impossible

They’ve let you down before, so why wouldn’t the pattern just keep going?

Don’t bother trusting in the first place, you tell yourself.

You’re less likely to get hurt that way.


17. Flashbacks take you right back to the pain

It happens right when you least expect it.

You could be on the bus, sat in a coffee shop, just about to drift off to sleep – and suddenly your mind is playing you a movie.

Your own personal horror movie.

And it feels like you’ve been strapped to the seat, unable to move, forced to watch the scenes that hurt you the most replaying over and over.

But you’re meant to continue with what you’re doing like nothing is wrong.


18. You want more than anything to be understood

It seems impossible that someone else would understand though because sometimes you don’t even feel like you understand yourself.

On the best days, it feels like you’re treading water, keeping your head above a sea of murkiness that lies beneath.

On the worst days, you’re battling through the murkiness, struggling to breathe, slipping, drowning, screaming for help, trying to pull yourself back up but falling deeper every time you try.

How can you explain what lies in your mind when you don’t even know yourself?


19. Talking to someone who will help you understand your past is important

Having a safe space to learn how to feel will ease the pain and help you manage the trauma.

Cultivating an empowering relationship that helps you to explore how to move forwards is one of the first steps towards managing it.


20. Building a life for yourself is possible

Making friends who care about you, learning to balance your emotions and regulate them, exercising regularly, and finding things that bring you joy will allow you to heal.

There are many articles on PTSD and C-PTSD and Trauma and ACE scores and Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, Adult Children of Alcoholics/Narcissists, Domestic Violence and the like. I don't need to re-write all that information, I curate the best articles and share them or consolidate them into my other writings, but what my main goal is, is to talk about the healing and recovery and what you can do to self-help heal yourself and develop your own recovery program and focus on your wellness and doing things to get and stay well as well as dreaming and goal setting and doing things to improve your situation.  

The book I'm working on is "NLP for C-PTSD"  

What I like to do is find articles that articulate the problem well and then go through it and explain how I recovered from each part or what techniques there are to recover from each part faster and easier than talk type support group can (see below). Getting support, validation and encouragement and hope is a HUGE part of recovery, but it's not everything. It's not enough. But recovery doesn't have to be hard anymore when you have energy and mindfulness and other power tools to help you get through the intense emotional stuff easier and quicker, which is why I want to focus my writing on that more than just explaining what PTSD is.

Original Article "20 things you only know if you have PTSD"

Part II - My Input:  

"20 Things You Only Know If You Have PTSD...And,... The Healing Methods I Use To Heal Them!"

1. Sometimes you behave in ways you don’t understand

EFT* Tapping, 5 Min. Energy Routine* ("body/energy work")
Refer to "psychological reversal" and "energy wires crossed"
Why? Because body Sx = body Tx

2. Anything can be a trigger

Emotional Flashbacks

combination of tapping and mindfulness
keep journal and develop WRAP
My "Inner Peace Process" or "IPP"* on my blog, full training video series and session video
Integrating Parts, (past and new present)

3. It can be terrifying to let yourself feel

EFT Tapping on small things and seeing it work
reassuring to see energy charge go down = more confidence to do more healing
Use my "IPP" NLP Mindfulness technique, to feel somatically without the mental/emotional stuff overwhelming the person
Then practicing in real life in baby steps

4. You may engage in destructive behavior to block out the pain

keeping a journal
self-forgiveness, self-compassion
trauma informed - all Bx are coping with trauma (for now)
knowing you can change (Bx) after healing/processing
Use my "7 Questions for a Breakthrough" process where two Inner Parts go through a transforming communication process via key questions, which leads to integration and a New Part forming
(suggest to use it once in a 4-6 month period, integration is still happening for several months, easier to keep track)
Feel complete or resolved with one issue before moving on to the next
Finish with a new goal, without the harm, and future-pace next steps


5. Staying focused is tough
WRAP, daily routine with breaks and pleasures built in
lowering expectations for self for now
note theme of fantasies when you drift off, they are full of information
allow yourself daydream time
FOG - it you're fine and all of a sudden in a mental fog, look for who is playing the victim, who is manipulating or confusing you, they are triggering your FOG from foo/cptsd issues
13 steps to manage an emotional flashback by Pete Walker*

6. Regulating your emotions can be tougher
That's why learning EFT and NLP are essential for emotional regulation, self-soothing and calming down the nervous system
yoga, movement, mindfulness, nature, music, art
keep a journal about which emotions are tough to regulate so you can do NLP with them, keep track of dates and emotional intensity scores before and after


7. Life can suddenly become terrifying
EFT Tapping can help bring terror down by stopping the fight or flight response
Then note what issues triggered you and work on them further with NLP techniques like Belief-Change Method*

8. Your mind works in ways you don’t understand
Actually, once you read Complex PTSD by Pete Walker it all seems to make sense, but before knowing the pattern and seeing it in yourself, it's very confusing.
EFT Tapping on confusion, overwhelm, fear, etc.
Doing EFT Tapping with "Matrix Re-Imprinting" (re-imprinting is an NLP technique), can help you see how your mind works which increaase confidence and empowerment and Matrix work heals and helps the mind sort and manage memories/visions for past/future.


9. Sleep can be easy – or non-existent
Discuss with doctor
Try sleep hygiene suggestions
WRAP, daily routine
Regular EFT Tapping or NLP (15 min/day) over time will help regulate everything

10. You cling onto things that help to keep you grounded
use the non-harming, comforting Bx as much as you need (song, cushion)
meanwhile, start Tapping on whatever issues come up, don't go digging for more, just focus on the here and now
NLP which is going within, will help soothe over time and you'll move on naturally from comforting Bx

11. Your mood swings can be unpredictable
Moods are communication to you with valuable information that you need, so IPP will help a lot with communication with the (unconscious part of you generating the) mood
Always ask what it wants and then intentionally call up your inner resource states so that the two parts can work together.
EFT Tapping can still help as you're petting the body and attending to the mind at the same time which is a comforting was to self-regulate


12. You get physical pain

Strongly suggest easy QiGong and then yoga
daily movement, stretching
regular EFT/NLP to clear up issues
WRAP routines

13. Every relationship is an emotional roller coaster
Honestly, I still deal with this, but it's gotten much better, the trick is to cultivate and contribute to positive support people when you're doing well I go to Al-Anon meetings, or phone meetings and just listen when feeling too sensitive for f2f.

Reading daily affirmation recovery readers

spending time alone healing self is an investment for increasing time spent socializing later

Facebook has a ton of 'support groups; now on every topic, you can create a fake name account to join, lots of validation and support

we need more than validation and support, but that is a start as you work on re-entry into the real world after trauma

try to spread it out; don't put all your time into just one person

me-time, same-gender time, creative time, nature time all needed in-between social time, honor your introverted-nature that needs to refreshed and re-energized when drained by spending time alone engaged in your interests

practice small talk with grocery clerks, bus drivers, receptionists, etc. no pressure practice with a 'safe' person (its their job to provide you with respect and good customer service", plus their human too, so you will get a few connections out of it (a genuine smile, a nice comment, compliments, appreciation for you asking how they are, etc.)

human connection is key to healing - when you're ready for it, not now and never forced, but not to be avoided either, so do easy stuff, nano-baby steps

Isolation is a tricky balance, too much and it starts to reverse its healing effects and starts increasing (inner) symptoms of PTSD/depression/anxiety


14. Emotional numbing is second nature
its a survival coping tool, OK to indulge at first but not 'forever', just 'for now' give yourself permission to numb/isolate for X amount of days, then plan something small (nature walk, bus trip, store run) and repeat the small talk practice (engagement/connection)

we are literally healing our toxic bonding to people, to recovering out engaging/connecting ability after we heal our issues enough to start increasing personal power to set limits and boundaries
choices and options are easier to work on before boundaries and limits take you're time on all of this

emotional numbing evolves into emotional regulation skill that few people have at the level you do, you'll notice it later when you're able to tolerate things that other people get upset about

My NLP Mindfulness methods, (used 15 min/day for 90 days) gives you this awesome super power
when you go within and feel your issues on an unconscious level, and talk to them, and get answers and resolution, it produces feelings of well being, empowerment, safety and even happiness

Don't try to force yourself to feel if you are numb, don't try to force yourself with EFT or NLP either.

Only if you want to Tap on 'feeling numb' just to acknowledge it and to help move your energy a little is fine, but don't do a marathon trying to force yourself 'normal'/'cured'/'healed' over night
better to focus on a daily practice and over time, looking back, you'll notice your progress and it will become clear to you that you are getting better but there's no hurry

having 'no hurry' as a motto also helps you appreciate the here and now, that's mindfulness too, just being present in the present

if your numb, what are the coping tools you put in your wrap? do those, or do nothing, but do your daily routine and it will either get better over time or you can start working on it after you've done all the above

Sometimes you let things go, live your daily recovery for a while, even months later, and then come back to it and are ready to heal it with EFT/NLP and that's OK to put things off for your recovery down the road, we're never done anyway.

Going 'No Contact" is beneficial for those who choose it, for some toxic relationships, you're not only 'returning to a place of pain..." but returning to a place where they're going to add on more pain.

Embrace the TRUTH:  Always look out for yourself first, no one else will.

Once you find the safety to have safe people in your life, it will be very healing, you're not alone and you're not the only one suffering with this.


15. Some days you feel like you can cope.

On these magical good days where you can cope, is a great time to review your wrap

As per H.E.A.L.* studies on depression and healing, take the good moments in and then really pause and savor them for several long seconds. Take the good in, hold it, explore it, rewind/review it, notice the good feelings and let them sink in deep into your mind and heart.

Develop micro habits to practice on good days so that you use that good day to invest in your recovery and your future

Use good days to indulge in your favorite activity or pump it up a little more with a quick vigorous or long slow walk, this helps extend the good day and after awhile you'll notice you can string together several good days at a time and/or less bad days that aren't as bad and aren't as long as before you exploit your good days to build good neuro pathways via experiencing the good day and absorbing it more and more.

16. Trusting people feels impossible

This is a hard one. It may last a life time. But it can get better with work.

Here I suggest the Relationship History Chart* that I put on my blog so you can learn your patterns and red flags

From there you can build your safe lists and look at people more to see what list they fall under before getting too close.

This brings up other issues that may need healing first like deserving, worth, guilt/shame, not good enough to want, not allowed to want good, etc.

These issues can be cleared and processed with EFT Tapping and NLP Mindfulness, one at a time, so keep a list that you work on over time

For EFT, the "Personal Peace Process or "PPP"" is where you write down every issue you have, try to have a list of 100, just write the list. When done then you can Tap on each one, one at a time, one per day or a couple per day, keep date/score and do this 15 min./day for 90 days to get these issues unstuck and ready to move forward and even healing huge chunks of these.

When I did my "PPP", I had my list, Tapped every day on 1 issue, by the time I got to about issue 67, the rest of them didn't bother me any more and I never did finish Tapping on that whole list. I got unstuck from that forest by Tapping down one tree at a time until the whole forest collapsed.

Then work on EFT "Choices Method" where after you clear up an issue with EFT, you then choose what you want instead and you say that choice out-loud while tapping on all the points to "tap it in".
Clearing issues also helps clear your mind so you can think clearly on what choices you even have, what choices you want, what limits and boundaries do you need to develop as you engage/connect with others, etc.

You can always engage and connect with animals, nature, art, dance, music, etc. it's an indirect way to connect with humanity as a whole which feels safer and helps your connection and trust issues.

Don't trust, set boundaries.

You don't have to trust anyone if you teach people how to treat you by speaking up for yourself of what you want and don't want, like and don't like.

Honor your feelings of mistrust, you still have to screen and even test some people before letting them in, just remember, no one's perfect, conflicts are normal for every relationship. It's how you deal with them that's important, or how you handle yourself.

Sometimes you just have to keep it to yourself, stay silent, create distraction and get away and then journal or list the issues that are turbulence inside of you so you can Tap on them. Just add them to your 100 list and let it keep growing. The issues you clear up keeps growing too after time.

The problem with not trusting people is as you heal from toxic people, you still need to heal your connections with humanity, and logically you know there are good people out there, it's not just a matter of finding them by knowing your red flags, etc. its a matter of learning something new (which is scary) and learn to connect with healthy supportive people in recovery.
People in recovery can be your best supporters and first real experience of healthy-enough relationships.

Remember, you're not just healing yourself and your PTSD but you are healing your relationships wounds and learning to create new patterns that are fulfilling and that all humans need.
you're recovering your capacity for relationship when you are healing from C-PTSD, which breaks down your capacity for relationship. Don't let them win by forcing you into an isolation prison existence. It's not fun and its hard to get out of.

Find one person, even if its a voice on the other end of a hot-line or warm-line.

You can even text 741-741 to text with a crisis counselor, so don't give up yet on people (yourself),

just keep a holding pattern while you continue to heal and increase wellness, for most, support comes last on the healing journey of the recovery path.


17. Flashbacks take you right back to the pain

Yes, and if your not validated or supported, better to keep it to yourself in the moment, no one will understand, some who care will try to make you feel better, but no one understands what's going on inside of you and that the main issue here is FEAR and SAFETY.

So first do what you need to to feel safe.

Read the "13 Steps for Managing Emotional Flashbacks" by Pete Walker

Develop a Trauma WRAP and follow it

Keep adding to your list of issues as you notice them to come up, and keep chipping away at them by clearing an issue a day (to keep the shrink away!)

Another technique I use that's been extremely helpful with flashbacks, or with nightmares, or bad memories, is the "Inner Child Rescue Mission". I go into the memory again, play it out, only this time I come into it as my present self with a SWAT team and we rescue the old self and take her to a debriefing tent with trauma specialists and then to a private room space with guards and therapist and day dream out the whole scene of the bad people being dragged to prison and you going off on a retreat.

Always day dream a happy ending to any flashback/nightmare/memory. It works wonders over time.

You can also use my NLP Eye-Movement Technique on my blog "To the Left, To the Left" where you look at the memory and drag it with your eyes to the left where memories are stored. This helps them stop being right in front of you in the present time. Look to the right when envisioning the positive rescue day dreams.


18. You want more than anything to be understood

This is where support groups on your specific situation can be invaluable, suddenly a world of hundreds of people open up t you that are all saying they're going through or have been through the same thing.

But don't expect others to understand.

EFT Tapping on "not knowing myself", "not knowing what I'm going through" or "why I'm like this" etc.

Tap on being misunderstood, not understanding it yourself, etc. and all the feelings that cause like panic or loneliness, etc.

NLP IPP can also help you if you're really feeling this, underlining issues could be the FOG manipulation and self-doubt that abusers cause in our brains from constant crazy-making behavior and gas-lighting talk.

For awhile things that feel scary or confusing, tend to be new recovery actions we want to take and as soon as we decide we want to take them, confused FOG is triggered due to recovery not being consistent to what the brain is used to having to do to survive.

Reassure yourself its normal and it's a sign your on the right track.

Use the IPP for the feeling of treading water, or the murkiness that lies beneath, it will help you get out of your head, which can't help right now, and into your body and subconscious mind, (somatic mindfulness) which does help.

You can just do yoga and nothing else. You can just nurture self, snuggle on couch with favorite movie and let yourself rest. You can give yourself 24 hours to indulge the dark pit and then the next day do 1 thing, and then the next day do 2 things for your recovery/wellness and keep going from there.

Give yourself 15 minutes to feel it fully and then start your wrap or daily session. In other words, it's OK to indulge it under your supervision. The goal is not to completely get rid of it as quickly as possible, that's avoiding it, you can just let it happen, journal, get back on your program.

If a program is too hard for you. Make your program 1 thing only per day, but make it so you HAVE to do that one thing before you can do anything else or before you can let yourself indulge in what's pulling you down. This is how you work with and reverse the downward spiral and create the upward spiral.

19. Talking to someone who will help you understand your past is important

Story-telling is where its at for turning post traumatic stress into post traumatic growth.

We need to form our stories, share them, have them heard, evolve them as we learn more.
Narrative therapy exercises are good for this need. Sharing in support groups is a good place to get validated, etc.

Telling your story helps incorporate it's learning into your present day life. When one is shattered to the core, integration becomes the healing force, so incorporating your before during and after stories into your larger healing journey story helps this integration/growth/blooming/healing process, which is a natural process. It's why humans are programmed at the DNA level to hear and tell stories.
Movie therapy is good here too, coming of age, victims coming into empowerment, adventure stories, come-back kid stories, all are good for our subconscious mind to take in and give us hope that you too can own your story and heal from its telling.

This may go in stages over time, your story is never over, it evolves and changes over time so be open-minded about looking at the differently later.


20. Building a life for yourself is possible

This is the most important but we may not know it yet. If we lose faith and hope this may feel like an alien concept. It's also a lot of work but it pays off because later your life will be better rather than got worse. Trust me on this, I've seen both.

This is where WRAP comes in because you are slowly building your life again, re-inventing yourself, turning the page, turning the corner, starting a new chapter, and it takes some intentional planning.

Micro habits and Wellness routines build your life in the here and now and they add up and are accumulative.

Tapping or doing NLP on the issues around this topic are what can be processed and cleared up to make it easier to move forward with building your life.

The fastest way to find out what is holding you back from life is to go ahead and plan out how you're going to rebuild your life and see what resistance comes up.

Tap or NLP the resistance.

Using NLP for Future Timeline programming is very useful here which I made a video for on YouTube connected to my blog.


These are my opinions based on my personal recovery experience and study on the topic. This is not a substitute for 'treatment', this is a list of suggestions for coping tools that have worked for some people, some of the time. Everyone's situation is different. Take responsibility for your own healing and seek help as needed. My self-help recovery and wellness suggestions are an add-on, not a substitute for, medications, treatments, therapy and as always, go within and check with your own intuition if they feel right for you or not.

Citations & Resources

EFT Tapping

Craig, G. (2008). The EFT Manual. Los Angeles: Energy Psychology Press.

5 Minute Daily Energy Routine)

Eden, D. , Feinstein, D. (1998). Energy Medicine 1st Edition (1998). Los Angeles: BigHeartedBooks.

H.E.A.L. Method

Hanson, R. (2013). Hardwiring happiness: The practical science of reshaping your brain - and your life. London: Rider Books.

13 Steps to Managing Emotional Flashbacks

Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma. CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.

Inner Peace Process

Free Training Videos on my Blog CLICK HERE:

Program Future Timeline

Free YouTube Video on my Channel CLICK HERE:

Belief Change Method

7 Questions for a Breakthrough (I have not published this method publicly, it is for sale as part of a course that includes 14 NLP methods on my blog.)  CLICK HERE

Matrix Re-Imprinting

Yoga for Trauma

The Body has a Mind of it's own

W.R.A.P. for Trauma

Qi Gong Videos

Relationship Hx Chart

Program Future Timeline Book & Video

CRISIS Counseling TEXT ONLY:

741-741

Just text a message to 741-741 and a crisis counselor will text with you for support. 

To the Left....To the Left

Al-Anon

Inner Child Rescue (blog?)

Personal Peace process by Gary Craig

Parts Integration book

Trauma action plan from SAMHSA

sleep hygiene

No contact

trauma informed yoga

yoga nedra to calm down nervous system

narrative therapy

The Hero's Journey

recovery peer support

Choices Method

WRAP alternative from SAMHSA

Healing the Abandonment Wound

By The Recovery Expert*

The abandonment wound seems to be an under-represented area in mental health. Just like complex trauma is not listed as a diagnosis in the DSM, neither is abandonment mentioned as a cause for some of the mental illness issues experienced by people.

I often write about narcissistic abuse. One thing I noticed about narcissistic abuse is that it can cause an abandonment wound in the victim. Oftentimes people think of abuse as involving some sort of physical, verbal, or sexual violation; however, many victims of abuse are not even yelled at. Some victims of abuse are simply neglected and ignored. Not many people in the helping professions address the injury caused by rejection or desertion.

Emotional abandonment is the result of a significant person discarding you, dismissing you, devaluing you, or not acknowledging you. This type of invisible injury causes great harm to the recipient.  In fact, the term “recipient” is ironic because often the recipient receives nothing; which is the problem.

Receiving nothingness from a loved one is an emotional abandonment that cuts deeply in the heart of the target. No one sees it and it tends to go underground in terms of abuse. Victims simply feel empty and invisible.

Victims of overt abuse may not comprehend, initially, how it feels to be invisible because they often wish they could hide and become unseen.  However, it is a mistaken belief that being invisible to a significant other, or even to a non-significant other, is a good thing. People need to feel that they matter to others.
Being invisible to your loved one is an existential wound. It causes you to feel that you don’t matter and questions your right to even exist. Research has found that one of the primary ways to injure a person is to remove him or her from significant human contact; particularly communication.
One form of narcissistic abuse involves the control of communication. This can happen in many forms – crazy-making conversations; stone-walling; diatribes; not addressing an issue; unwillingness to resolve a conflict; ignoring; etc.

The silent treatment, a common weapon of narcissists and other emotional abusers, causes deep feelings of abandonment in the recipient. Some people are so hurt by recurring incidents of the silent treatment that they turn to substance abuse, anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication, or even suicide to escape the emptiness.

The abandonment wound can also be caused by an absent parent. When one of your parents has chosen to not be in your life, this cuts deeply. There is no easy explanation to be found by those who’ve been abandoned by a parent. Some try to make the best of the situation, ignoring that fact that they don’t have this parent in their lives; but the damage is still the same.  There are life-long consequences to parental abandonment.

People learn to cope in different ways. Some pretend it doesn’t matter; some question their worth; others may be openly angry.  With abandonment comes defense mechanisms.
In order to heal from any type of loss, there is only one main solution – grief. If you have been abandoned, either permanently or temporarily, then you are hurt. The only way to heal an emotional hurt is to grieve.  Here are some steps you can take to grieve from the loss caused by abandonment:

1. Write a letter to the object of your abandonment. Tell him/her all your feelings of sadness, anger, rejection, confusion, etc. This letter is not to be given to the person; it is written in order to process your feelings.
2. Write a letter to your feelings of longing. Rather than focusing on the person who has hurt you, focus on the feelings themselves. Focus on where the hurt is stored in your body. Draw a picture of your longing. Creatively identify how you experience your longing. Sit with your feelings.
3. Let yourself feel. In fact, go in to your feelings. The more you allow yourself to experience the feelings of grief, the quicker will be the healing process.

Once you have identified your grief and have processed through some of the feelings there are some other imagery exercises you can to do heal yourself as well. These are described below:

1. Identify the part of you that is hurt. This can be labeled as your, “hurt inner child.” If the source of your hurt occurred in adulthood, this does not matter because the wound of abandonment most likely put you in a regressive state of mind.  You have likely regressed emotionally to a younger, more helpless age. Use imagery and visualize this inner child.
2. Now imagine the part of you that is healthy and compassionate. This part of you is going to be instrumental in your healing. He/she must come to the rescue of your inner, hurt self by offering love, time, empathy, hope, and encouragement.
3. In addition to the hurt part of yourself, identify your coping mechanisms – particularly any personas or sub-selves that act out; the part of you that is trying to compensate for the hurt experienced by the abandonment of your loved one. Identify parts of you that are trying to respond to the hurt in an unhealthy manner.
4. Talk to your inner hurt, abandoned child. Assure him/her of his/her value and worth. Be present for him/her in a real and tangible way.

In the end, no matter who has hurt you, no matter how affected you may be from the resulting injury, you still have a life to live. Even if you have an ache in your heart for the missing person, you can still thrive in life; find hope and love, and live well. You do this by honoring your feelings, acknowledging the loss, validating the consequences of the loss, and enjoying your life.


*If you would like to be added to my free monthly newsletter on the psychology of abuse; please email me at therecoveryexpert@gmail.com

Breaking out of the Drama Triangle

Breaking out of the Drama Triangle.

Using the Karpman Triangle (also known as the Drama Triangle) as my guide, I have summarized a process of 'recovery' from manipulative relationship dynamics.

The Karpman Drama (Persecutor, Rescuer, Victim) Triangle

In case you aren't familiar with the Karpman Triangle, it represents the dynamics of unhealthy and manipulative relationships.

Each corner of the triangle depicts a role that people play in the game of a dysfunctional relationship.

One corner is the victim (please help me); one corner is the rescuer (the over-responsible, controller); and the third corner is the persecutor (the villain, the bully, the superior one).

The victim usually 'hooks' the other person into becoming a rescuer and if the victim role fails, the individual may switch roles into becoming the persecutor as a more overt means of accomplishing the goal.

People often switch roles, playing each part, all in one dramatic interaction. You will often find these relationship dynamics in families with addictions and abuse. (Source; Karpman Drama Triangle; PsychCentral)

Here are some steps to take to avoid contributing to unhealthy interactions with others:

1. Realize that you are repeating a pattern. Stand back and observe your pattern. Most likely you are being triggered in some way, or manipulated by someone close to you. In order to change the pattern, you need first to identify it. Once you are aware of your part, play a different tune.  Sing a new song. Don’t do the same thing you have always done. Take a contrary action.
2. Under any circumstance, do not become defensive. Keep a neutral attitude. Even if you feel defensive (especially if you feel defensive) do not act from that mental state. Use a non-reactive, non-emotional, easy-going tone. Make statements that stop the conflict, for instance, use terms such as, “Perhaps you’re right.” “That could be.” “Interesting point.” “Nevertheless…” Remind yourself to not get “hooked” into the drama.
3. If you find yourself feeling like a victim, learn to take responsibility for yourself instead of blaming others for how your life is turning out. Even if you truly are the victim, do not conclude that you are powerless to take care of yourself under the circumstances. Take the energy you feel about being victimized and convert it into determination. Resolve to yourself that you will figure out how to solve your problem without the other person’s assistance. This will help you develop your own personal power.
4. If you find yourself feeling like you’re taking on too much responsibility, back off, allowing others to take on their own responsibilities, even allowing others to fail if that happens. Sometimes others need to face consequences for their own decisions. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for other people’s choices – even if that person is your child. Also, realize that everyone has a right to personal agency – that is the right to determine their own destiny (God-willing).  It is more healthy for a parent to let children learn the hard way than to jump in and fix everything for them. This goes for other types of relationships as well. Allow others the dignity to figure out their own lives. Remember that when you rescue others: you are sending them the implied message that they are not sufficiently competent to handle the matter themselves.
5. Refrain from the following: blaming, criticizing, accusing, lecturing, scolding, monitoring, threatening, preaching, obsessing, over-reacting, or under-reacting. Instead, focus on being neutral. Ask yourself, “How can I bring a blessing to this situation? Or, how can I be a soothing presence right now?”  If the other person is unwilling or unable to participate in a healthy interaction, figure out a way to remove yourself physically from the encounter until a better time.
6. Remember the term FOG. FOG stands for Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  If you feel any of those feelings, consistently, in a significant relationship, you are most likely dealing with a manipulator. You need to remember to get out of the FOG. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated. On the other hand, if you are trying to make another person feel consistently Fearful, Obligated, or Guilty, you are the manipulator and are not operating with emotional health. Be direct, honest, and live with integrity.
7. Realize that when a person is living in active addiction and abuse, you will not be able to have a healthy relationship with the person until he or she, too, is in a real process of recovery. If the person is a recovering alcoholic, he or she will be sober and working an actual program.  If the person is a recovering abuser, he or she will be seeking help from accountability partners and will actually be introspective and thoughtful. If your loved one is not healthy, don’t think you can have a healthy relationship with that person. The best thing you can do is focus on your own emotional growth. Remember, recovery is for those who want it, not for those who need it. 

As seen on PsychCentral.com, article written by Sharie Stines, Psy.D